Support for friends and family of abuse victims

About domestic abuse

Domestic abuse is an incident or pattern of incidents of behaviour that is:

• controlling
• coercive
• threatening
• degrading
• violent

About sexual violence and abuse

Sexual violence and abuse is any behaviour (physical, verbal, virtual or online) perceived to be of a sexual nature, that is inflicted on anyone without their informed consent or understanding.

Signs of domestic abuse

Spotting signs that someone you know has experienced abuse can be difficult. Abuse takes a range of forms that are not always obvious.

Each person will use different coping mechanisms to try and help them get through the situation and stay as safe as possible. There is no right or wrong way for a person to react to something traumatic. 

This can be confusing and concerning for you, as you may not fully understand their response to the abuse. They may be defensive when asked about it.

Why it can be hard to spot

Domestic abuse can be hard to spot because the abusive person may act differently around others than in private. The person experiencing the abuse may not even recognise that what is happening to them is abusive. 

If the abusive person can manipulate their partner or family member, then it’s quite likely they can do so with friends and professionals. 

It is likely that the person experiencing the abuse is being isolated. This is usually so there is less support available to them and harder for someone to spot the abuse.

There are many reasons that someone might hide that they have experienced any type abuse.

These include:

• fear of possible repercussions
• shame and denial
• fear of not being believed or blamed

Things to look out for

Every situation is different so there are no ‘typical signs’ of abuse, but you might notice:

• you start to see the person less and less as they cancel plans, make excuses and become secretive
• when you do see them, they might seem more nervous or quiet than usual
• they receive frequent calls or texts from the abuser. Your friend or loved one may be unable to stop answering the phone or gets agitated or distressed by the level of contact they are receiving
• the abuser takes control over different aspects of the person’s life, like what they eat or wear, what they say, where they go and who they can see. This might even be bigger things like the person’s job, education or other relationships
• the abuser undermines the person by humiliating them, insulting or criticising them either in an openly hostile way or by way of a ‘joke’
• the person’s finances change suddenly, for example, they have no money of their own, or they need to account for all their spending. Or, if they are being coerced into criminal activity as part of the abuse, they might have more money but not be able to explain where it has come from
• they make excuses for the abusive person and be defensive when asked about their behaviour
• they have injuries which do not match with the account they give about how they hurt themselves, or they start to wear clothes that cover up more of their body

How you can help

If someone close to you tells you that they are experiencing abuse it can be hard to know how to respond, but your support can make a huge difference to show them that they are not alone.

They may start to feel stronger and more able to make decisions just by being able to speak to someone about what is happening.

It can be hard not to try to ‘rescue’ the person, confront the abuser or try to bring about the end of the relationship - doing this might increase the risk or isolate the person from you further.

How to talk to someone experiencing domestic abuse

Give the person the chance to talk without fear of judgement

You could start the conversation showing them that you care for and are worried about them, or that you’ve noticed behaviour from them or their abuser. Do not use the labels “domestic abuse” or “domestic violence” at first as not everyone recognises their experiences as abuse.

Try not to cast blame or speak too critically

You don’t want the person to stop talking to you. Make sure the person knows that they are believed, supported and safe when talking to you.

Try not to rush the person into leaving the abusive situation

As well as the fear of the abuser and the emotional ties in the relationship, there will be financial and practical worries that can make it hard to leave. 

Try to be patient and keep being supportive. Only the person experiencing the abuse can decide whether to leave an abusive relationship.

Ask them what they would like to happen next and how you can support that.

Practical ways to support someone 

If the person experiencing abuse is ready to talk, you could:

• suggest they keep a record of unwanted contact from the perpetrator, but only if they have a safe space to store it
• offer to help the person contact support organisations and helplines or offer to do it on their behalf
• agree on a safe word or phrase they can use to let you know they are in danger, and what you would do in this situation, for example, call the police
• keep an emergency bag for them in case they need to leave quickly, including passports and other important documents like house and car keys, money, any medicines, clothes and even any children’s toys
• decide a plan for them to leave or if they feel unsafe, including who to call, where to go and how to get there. It’s important to plan ahead, as during an emergency it can be hard to decide these things quickly. 

Find out about someone's history

If you are worried about the history or background of a new person in a friend or family member's life, the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS), or Clare’s Law, is a way to find out if someone has a history of domestic abuse and may pose a risk to their current partner.

The ‘Right to Ask’ DVDS application can be used by third parties to trigger the process if they are worried about someone. If you apply on behalf of someone else, and there is relevant information to share, the police will not necessarily inform you, but will inform the person possibly at risk.

More information about domestic and sexual violence and abuse

Go to our domestic and sexual violence and abuse, stalking and harassment and violence against women and girls pages.

Support services for friends and family of abuse victims

Links to support guides

Survivors' Network has put together these two guides for how to support those who have experienced sexual violence:

• Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault
• Self-Help-Guide-for-Supporters

SafeLives have produced this useful information leaflet for all those who might be supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse.

Community safety partnership directory

Find support services for victims of:

• domestic or sexual abuse 
• anti-social behaviour or hate incidents

Community safety partnership directory